A Day In A Mind.

Stopping Clocks

It is in the early hours of the morning, waiting for school bells to ring and hands to move across bold, printed numbers, that time is seemingly slow; endless. In these tiresome hours we wish for nothing but for time itself to jolt forward, as if escaping from this hazy moment would make everything a little brighter, a bit more colorful. But I find it ironic, to think that time has passed, and I am left with a sense of nostalgia. Because without our realization, the seasons change, and when looking back it’s as if only hours have passed.

Frightening it may be, to feel time creeping up on oneself, silently still, so that it is not until one is engulfed in its shadow, that one realizes the shift. And the fear is not in time itself, but how time is aging all it touches. Those who were once native in the judgements of our minds have developed new details that alienate us. Not because they are no longer recognized, but simply because things we claimed to know are now subject to being something else. And these changes are all taken for granted as we march on in time, blurred and unaware of the prospect that, much like in our own lives, everything is constantly adapting new shapes and forms.

But if maybe, I could simply stop the hands from ticking away, if I could stop the clocks, perhaps I would no longer be overtaken by time’s shadow. Because without time in the spaces we move, our actions are simply nothingness. Nothing but sporadic happenings, unchangeable, yet plain to the eye. Without time, we’d be immortal, you and I, and the subtle differences that constantly occur would cease to. Foolish it is, to think that one could really stop the clocks, to become a master of time. So I will simply stare at these dead hands, static through the circular glass, and hope that somehow it were as if time never existed. Not for you or for I.

Seeing Faces And Hearing Voices

Women, or girls for the time being, but indeed, women. For I cannot help but stand in awe at the simplest of ideas that have shaped history, and shaped the minds of its sculptors. The beauty of women. I do not intend on summarizing the subject in mere words, neat pixels dotted across the screen of your laptop. No reader, I am simply a man, or a boy for the time being, but indeed, man.

It is in the hourglass shapes that have long compelled men, in the glass irises that have seen deep into desire, into admiration. And here I stand, subject to simply gaze, much like one stares into the night sky, to watch the bright stars that illuminate the black sky. And when standing in the darkest night, far away from the distractions and troubles, able to ignore bright fluorescent light bulbs and buzzing tele screens; it is then when these stars are appreciated most. Not in desire to possess and conquer these stars, but simply to experience the warm, inviting image. 

Yet the blind man can even see the stars when their light surround and fill those watching with the brightness that flows out through your mouth, with a sound so sweet and words so complex. And as I hear these words spill like a flowing stream into a cascade, I see these stars, and desire not, but admire you; for the light is ever blinding. For now the blind man can see and the seeing go blind, and it is all from the rays of this one star. And now that the night is darkest, and you are alight, I admire.

Dear Sister

Oh, sister of mine. How it is, to miss you so, and yet not at all. How it is, to be emptily broken apart, yet never having left. It is here, where your company is inexistent, yet evermore real. Here, where in silence still your company fuels the firelight. So, in distance, we comprehend without knowing; only to find upon meet that little has changed. Still, your gaze rests in me. Oh, sister of mine.

Mr. Happycloud

Robert is a man you would not like to meet. He is strange in many ways for a 30 year old man. It is perhaps in the way that he speaks, in which his lips move very little, enunciating his words rather softly. Or maybe it is in how he dresses, with his rounded glasses, his buttoned up shirt, and his messed hair. He is strange, very much the more you see him.

Many laugh at Robert, very likely not to his knowledge. They sneer and they snicker at his strange ways; at the ways we would consider uncommon and ludicrous. Robert likes to play music; he takes his keyboard and sings to his songs. All the while those around him laugh at his attempt to do  what he enjoys doing. Yet there is something about Robert that sets him apart as more than just strange. Something that is uncommon yet not looked down upon much like other aspects of himself. Robert is happy, he is a man happier than you or I. He sets aside the laughter and embraces himself as himself, without the constant worry to live to others’ expectations. He is happy because that is how he wishes to be, something those who snicker have yet to find. 

Robert is a shade of color that we can only see as crazy. Nonetheless, he knows something we do not, and that is how to be content, and pleased with oneself. Maybe it is time we be a bit more like Robert, a little up in the clouds, a little bit real.

Sprinting

Our objectives in life, much like in a race, have their inception and a finish. One comes to a race, and prepares. There is a long preparation of stretching, planning, visualizing, until the time comes to make that first stride. Before the race begins, one could be excited, nervous of the prospects of the race. And either confidently or in despair, one has no choice but to run. Perhaps in the beginning one has long powerful strides, confidence. Then comes the gradual slowing, less energy, less strength. Enclosed in the final straightaway, that view at the end of the final turn, where one is burning out, and all seems to fade together. 

What does all of this come to? In the end, it is not fun, the race. It is an objective, one that will cause pain to any who is intent on completing it. However, it is something that will gives us satisfaction, even if it wasn’t something we long desired. Mid-way through though, it might be more pleasant to stop, stop the pain, just forget it. But then what was everything else? What was the point of the first effort? 

My dear readers, it is to my growing shock, and fear, that I see evermore things I leave unfinished. Things unfinished that somehow leave me unfinished, unsatisfied. Small things, that grow to be many. Ideas that grew to be blueprints, that were not carried out. I believe that with no completion there was nothing to begin with, no destination. Things will change, otherwise, I have no other choice but to be left between here and nowhere.

Reasoning

You know, I’ve heard an overwhelming amount of times: “Things happen for a reason”. It’s a commonly used phrase that I heard over and over again when I was about to move. So many people; bound by their religious beliefs, or perhaps just their beliefs in general, say that everything we go through happens for a reason. That things happen to lead us to one greater good, per say. Well, I have to disagree.

I don’t think there is a certain destiny we have that we are being lead to through a chain of events. I mean no disrespect to anyone with beliefs that state otherwise, but I think it’s just so selfish to think that all events are circling around our own universe, helping us get on the path to “our destinies”. Shit is just constantly happening, whether it be good or bad, it just is. We simply decide to interpret that however we want. Sure, events will lead you into a certain direction, but the ultimate outcome is really based on you.

I moved from Mexico to the USA, not too long ago. For those of you who aren’t ignorant and think Mexico is a hell-hole with sombreros and donkey-riding drug lords; you will know that Mexico, is a very nice, normal country, with nice, normal people. Needless to say, the change from one country to another is huge, and is definitely a scary-as-shit experience. Surely the first couple of months here were scary and new, but as time went by, I saw my life take a huge change, in so many aspects. A change of music, some different clothes, a bit more facial hair, joining a band, joining the school track team, just a few of many things that have been different for me in the past six months. To be as satisfied as I am with my life right now, to be calm, and even enthusiastic about all of the new aspects of myself that before I may not have fully expressed, it’s all very eye-opening. I look back on my life, on a lot of things, a lot of people that surrounded me, and think to myself that it isn’t what I was about. Living in a place where 90% of people live by trying to be “popular”, giving some fake smiles, listening to some bad music, and going to a lot of parties to dance and get wasted. It just isn’t what I do; I play my guitar, I sing, I like one-on-one conversations, and having thoughtful talks about life. I like being athletic, yet touchy and romantic, and I like spending time just to think in the woods or in a field, even if I do make loud, sarcastic interjections during conversations.

My point is that life is going to take you down a winding road, with a ridiculous amount of intersections. If I had to leave the place where I had my best friends, and the comfort of a life I already knew, so be it. Those things just happen, and at its specific time, it’s hard, and sad. But because of this change I found an environment I fully enjoy, and a balance in all of the aspects of my life. Where I could have moped around for months over “losing” my best friends and being scared, I embraced it, and found something great. Nothing is really going to define you on its own, how you take it is what defines you. Sure you can find yourself in undeniable shit-situations, but chances are you can get out of that shit-situation if you try. Things don’t happen to us for a reason, we reason the things that happen to us.

Something

We are all searching for something. Many call this something love, or truth, or peace. But many do not know what they search for. All they know is that they look for something. Even when the something is unknown, it may be what keeps them clinging on to this life. Something missing, something not yet discovered in our lives. Something that is great, and powerful, yet something that is subtle and hard to find. 

What is this quest for something? What is so taunting about that certain thing that is missing? Maybe it is the fact of not knowing what something is that keeps us searching for something. It is certain to be a thought that keeps many in the arms of insomnia. Because it isn’t pointless searching, no. It is a feeling that crawls into our skin, that makes us realize something is missing in our life. A thought that will forever possess us, always wondering what could possibly be left. A hidden desire, a forgotten dream that with no doubt can set us on the track of a full, fruitful life.

Perhaps something is staring at us in the face, and we cannot see it. Perhaps something is next to you, but you just can’t realize it is that something. Then again, something could still be waiting out there, undiscovered and untapped. Maybe some of us have simply convinced ourselves that there is the need for something, in our own selfishness. Maybe we once knew what something was, yet deny it is there, or forgot it many years ago. May something be the only thing missing, or the thing we want to miss, remember my dear reader. In the search for something, I assure you that you will find everything. But then again, finding everything is like finding nothing at all.

The Life Taken For Granted

Thanksgiving, a holiday I hadn’t seen in a while. It’s a nice time, friends surrounded, good food, football. All in all, a pretty good deal. Now as the name suggests it, comes the tradition of giving thanks for things in life. Generally, when you’re younger, you take the time to think about something, you rattle your mind to find something you’re thankful for. As we grow older, we simply don’t bother to actually think of anything and give a smart enough generalization like: “I’m thankful for my friends”, or, “I’m thankful for family”, or “I’m thankful for this damn food”. This time I see it so very different, I am genuinely thankful.

This year, like all years, we say passed by so fast. We’re nearly at the end of one year and in the dawn of a new one, and sure, now it seems fast. But really it is in this year of my life, that I have been through more than any other time in my life. Nowhere seems truly fit to begin with the changes of the year, I’ll just move along as best as I can. I saw my first time being cheated on, if that’s what we’ll consider it. I broke up with my first girlfriend who had been with me for 2 years. I joined a band, and discovered my love to play on a stage. I ended middle school, which where I lived ended in ninth grade, and ended the long time I had spent with so many familiar faces. I met the gravest problems I had ever seen, all of which tangled up to huge issues. I separated from all I knew, everyone I loved, and all I had seen, to move to the United States. I started a new life, with new people, joined a band. I saw it all.

I am not a religious man, and when I say I give thanks, I thank the random events of life that lead to all circumstances. Anyhow, I give thanks for strength and understanding. I went through tough times, and in all of it, learned about myself, and about the ways of life. At least in the aspects that were presented to me. Through strength, my own, or that given from others, I was able to venture on. Through understanding, I ventured on with no destination or objective, but with eyes wide open. It is seldom we thank that which we give for granted. Today, I don’t ask of you to give a sermon on thanks, we’ll hear enough of those. I simply ask you to think, think of what’s gone, and what’s to come. Think of people, the good and bad. But most importantly think of yourself, because you have the sufficient peace to read this.

The Misperception

A thought has come to mind in this time of reflecting, something that takes place in all our lives. Relationships are great things, having that someone to lean on, knowing that they’re right there for you. A combination of so many different aspects that I prefer to not waste time on by listing them. We all find that person, who at that one point in our life is maybe the best for us, and who in the end makes us happy. But what came to mind the other day was, when that period of time where both are the best people for each other ends, it all stops. 

In our minds, when a relationship comes to an end, that is it, it stops. For some reason what we never realize, or fail to understand until its right there in our face is that, for that other person, relationships aren’t stopping, and they will begin a new relationship in the near future. I guess it just takes us by surprise, that the other person has tried to find another person to start a relationship with. Sometimes we get angry about it, sometimes we get confused, sometimes we even get sad. But why? Why even after you’ve gotten over someone could this have an effect on you? Well, I believe that the way we see it is, the next person is somehow our replacement. After reflecting on this it has become obvious to me that this is not the case, however, I do believe it is what many think at one time or another after some relationship.

After spending a good amount of time with the other person, you’ve had a wonderful relationship that, for any reason, has come to an end. Fortunately and unfortunately, things have led to another and it just isn’t good anymore. We come to peace with the fact that it ends, and come to peace with the other other person as well, for it’s no one’s fault, people change, it happens. But still, you see another person come along into the other’s life, and you’re filled with worry, anger, or maybe something else. This is possibly an explanation as to why. We go through a relationship, and somehow set a standard in our minds, for future relationships, trying to find something better, something that will last. If you’re going through these negative thoughts seeing your ex’s partner, it’s most likely because you had a good relationship with them. When you see the new person in their life, you somehow expect that person to live up to the relationship you had beforehand. And if you have even the slightest doubt of that possibility, you get upset for your ex not “doing justice” to the relationship you had.

This is stupid, it’s really nothing more than another example of our constant expectancy of those around us. More so, it is so very foolish of us to think of someone else as a replacement that has to “live up” to something we built with someone else. We must understand the inevitability of people starting relationships with other people, it’s simply the way it goes. Because maybe you and someone else were the best thing for each other at that point in your lives, but people change. Our interests, our personality, our dreams, are constantly in the process of defining themselves, it’s only reasonable that the people we have chemistry with change as well. Of course, this is just my opinion, maybe you agree, maybe not. Maybe you haven’t gone through these kinds of thoughts, maybe you have but blame them on something else. Either way, I guess it’s just a matter of getting over ourselves.